Within And Whithout
by AngelT
Summary: It waited, biding its time and observing their every move. And when the Commander of the Inquisition lost his focus, it struck. A simple 'yes' might have damned them all.
1. Chapter 1

They had argued yet again that evening. Gwendolynn Trevelyan was a stubborn woman and once decided, her mind was nearly impossible to change. She stormed out, infuriated and he dropped himself on the chair, rustling with the substantial pile of the reports on his desk. Even though Cullen insisted for Cassandra to temporarily relieve him from his position, his replacement had troubles adjusting to the workload. Cullen, as sick as he felt, had still volunteered to help Ser Tavish out. He picked up one report and stared at it, trying to focus. He had to put the paper very close to his face to be able to read anything and he gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to crumple the Maker - accursed piece of paper.

 _And this is what she wants, the idiot woman_ _!_

About a month ago, Gwen came to him for some quality time together. Cullen, however, felt under the weather and they spent the evening playing chess. Well, _she_ had been playing. He felt like a horse carriage ran over him but took great pleasure in observing Gwen's facial expressions, changing accordingly to the strategy she used.

"Cullen," her voice made him raise his eyes from the board. "What is it like to be a templar?"

"Why would you ask?"

"I want to become one."

"You _what_?!" Cullen jumped up, hitting the table with his knee and knocking the chessboard over, figurines scattering over the floor. "Why would you even... _Why_?"

"It is what I was raised for. This is what I believe in. And in our current situation this is the best choice I can make. _Templars have the best chance to stand against Venatori_."

Cullen grabbed her shoulders, his hands shaking slightly. He examined her eyes, searching for a hint that she was joking. But Gwen looked as calm and serious as always.

"Everything I told you about Kirkwall, about... about... everything I said," he stuttered nervously mixing and swallowing words, his thoughts running wild. "You can't! Do you want to end up as I did? _Do you_?!"

"I thought about it a lot,"she pried Cullen's hands away and stroked his knuckles gently with her thumbs. "I need to do this. And I am counting on you to guide me through."

"Oh do you?"he scoffed and stepped away. "Because, Maker be my witness, _I_ cannot even count on myself."

Without saying anything else, Gwendolynn left, leaving him alone. Since then nothing had changed, save the fact that Gwen went through with her plan and started to take lyrium. Their relationship was slowly going downhill, for Cullen was not getting any better and as soon as his lover was anywhere in vicinity, he could smell lyrium on her. He could _taste_ it on her lips when they kissed. It aggravated his withdrawal and just as he was avoiding the rest of the templars in Skyhold, he started avoiding her as well, feeling horrible about it. Luckily for them, the work of the Inquisitor was never done and she was out in the field for the long periods. Every time she left, Cullen hoped that when she came back, his symptoms would go away but every time he was left disappointed. On top of everything, the thought of Gwen taking lyrium made his skin crawl and every chance he had, Cullen tried to talk her out of it. Gwen refused to see reason. In her pragmatic yet surprisingly idealistic mind, she was making a sacrifice for the greater good.

And so today was no different. He sighed, put reports aside and made his way to the bed, throwing dirty boots in the corner and falling face - down in the pillows, not bothering to undress.

* * *

"Cullen?"

He opened his eyes and looked around drowsily. It was still dark outside. The voice that woke him up came from across the room. Cullen lifted himself up on his elbows and scanned the surroundings. Gwen was standing near the window, her face basking in the moonlight. Her eyes were red and somewhat puffed up. Had she been... crying?

"I can't take this anymore."

Cullen's heart dropped. He had been dreading to hear her say that since the whole ordeal had begun. He crawled off the bed, his head feeling heavy and came closer.

"Gwen, what are you..."

"Us arguing. _All the time_." she clenched her fists together and finally turned to face him. "I am _done_ with this."

"What do you want then?" he exhaled, staring in her determined steel - grey eyes.

"I was happy. I am not anymore... _I want_ _ **you**_ _, Cullen_."she smiled shyly as her calloused palm gently caressed his cheek. "I will do what _you_ want. Do we agree?"

Cullen opened his mouth to say something but Gwen quickly pressed a finger to his lips.

"All I need from you is a 'yes'."

"Yes."

" _Thank you, Commander._ " she stepped away, ugly grin creeping on her face. Her eyes lit up in poisonous green, the colour of the Breach. "The deal is sealed."

 _Maker, what have I done?!_

* * *

Next moment Cullen collapsed on the floor.

He groaned and opened his eyes, blindly groping the floor. Once the sight had returned, Cullen looked around and gasped. The Harrowing Chamber of Kinloch Hold. It was just as he remembered, save the absence of the bloody mutilated corpses. Cullen wanted to adjust his gloves, the neurotic habit he had developed through the years, but as he looked at his hands he had noticed he was wearing gauntlets. His old templar armor. With a disgusted noise Cullen attempted to rip it off but without success.

"Welcome, Knight - Captain."

"That is _not_ my... " he hissed and turned in the direction of the voice and, as he glanced at its source, the rest of the sentence stuck in his throat.

She stood there, beautiful willowy creature, the caleidoscopic light of the stained - glass windows reflecting on her fair skin. Heavy ash - blond braid was thrown over one shoulder, reaching up to her waist. And the eyes, deep - blue and innocent, open wide and looking straight at him.

 _Neria._

"You have _no_ right to pose as her, filthy thing!"

"You gave me the right, when you said 'yes'." a predatory smile lit up Surana's face as she walked closer. "Foolish little Commander, some templar you turned out to be."

Cullen hung his head in defeat. There was no point arguing that he had messed up. Without lyrium his abilities were nothing but a shadow of their former selves and he had been too weak, both in body and in mind, to realise in time he had been played by a demon.

"Your remorse is delicious." 'Neria' sighed happily, making an inappropriate sound of excitement. "It had been worth waiting all this time."

"Which one are you? Pride? Fear?"

"Nothing but mindless peons, that lot." 'Neria' scoffed and smiled brightly. " _I_ am much more special. Me and your beloved Inquisitor had quite an _interesting_ encounter once."

Gwen had told him about what had happened in Therinfal Redoubt. She omitted several things during her story and by how uncomfortably she shifted in the chair, Cullen had decided against prying.

"Envy."

The Envy demon, wearing Neria's face, laughed in that sweet laughter he loved about small elven mage so much. The disrespect to her memory, it made him feel sick to his stomach.

"I failed once. But I watched, I learned and I grew. And now I am ready to deal with your Inquisition. Oh, but don't be sad, Commander, you'll get to witness _everything_ you ever held dear become _mine_."


	2. Chapter 2

**2.**

Cullen slammed the door behind himself and just stood there, his hands against the old polished wood. These were the templar quarters. After all those years he still remembered his way perfectly around the Circle tower. A feeble hope that 'Neria' had not followed him evaporated as he turned around. She was sitting on the bed, her legs crossed and amused smile on her lips.

"Did you really think you could outrun me, Commander?"

Cullen silenced, furiously staring the creature down. It laughed, the sound of silver bells ringing in the air and stood up, coming close. _Very close._

"You are _mine_ now, everything you were. Everything you will be from now on, however, is up to me."

Cullen pushed the creature away, not too roughly but enough to create some distance between them. He would never be able to hurt Neria and the demon was all too well aware of it. Perhaps that was what it wanted - to see him raise a hand at a dear memory he had carried all these years, knowing Cullen would feel horrible about it.

"There is no way back from sealing a deal," it almost sounded as if there was pity in 'Neria's' voice. Whatever it might had been, it had quickly changed into exuberance. "Might as well get comfortable, Commander. It will be an interesting experience for both of us."

He stood up, muscles hurting in protest. He had lain on the floor for several hours in a quite uncomfortable position. Every inch of his body felt stiff. A quick glance out of the window confirmed that it was dawning. Skyhold still slept and Envy had all the time for himself. He rubbed his neck in irritation and stretched. It did not help much.

 _... Enjoying yourself yet?..._

"Ah, Commander. You've decided to break your fleeting vow of silence, I see."

To a by-stander it looked as if Cullen was talking to someone invisible standing beside him. To Envy it was a voice in his head. He, of course, made sure that no-one would hear him.

"So what do you usually do in the morning, before the world sees you, hmm?"

Nothing but silence. Envy shrugged his shoulders and opened the door to the battlements. Humans did love their fresh air. As he strode along the southern wall, mild wind tugging on the folds of his mantle, the demon smiled slightly. He was whole again and it felt magnificent. This body would do nicely. Tall, strong, not unattractive to many and, most importantly, with a direct access to the Inquisitor. She had always been his target but he got to her too soon, became too greedy and had too little time. Such a mistake will not happen again.

"Commander!"

He swiftly turned around to face two men, who had appeared behind him. Of course, the guard rotation. They saluted him and Envy gave a slight nod, letting them pass. Something stirred in him, a feeling of amusement and gloating. Clearly he had forgotten something ordinary and Cullen was enjoying himself. A quick search in Commander's memories gave the demon the answer he needed.

"Any news?"

"No sir, all is quiet."

"Carry on, then."

As they turned around and left, so did Envy, returning back to Commander's headquarters. All of a sudden he felt feverish, sweat soaking his undershirt in a matter of seconds. That must have been the effects of lyrium withdrawal. As much as the condition had been in his favour when he had taken over Commander's body, now he had to endure the unpleasantness of it as well. Quickly unbuckling the straps on the breastplate, Envy took the armor off and threw the dirty shirt on the ground. He felt so warm that for a second the demon considered to stay shirtless -but as much as the new body was admirable, it was hardly appropriate for the Commander of the Inquisition to walk around like that. He threw a thin linen shirt on and proceeded to rummage through Cullen's belongings. The Commander had a stash somewhere. No smart templar, even a former one, would try to quit without back - up plan.

"I will find it," 'Neria' purred and looked at him slyly. "I _know_ you hid some. Once a templar is _always_ a templar."

When Cullen said nothing and kept staring at his feet, the demon crept closer, gentle fingers lifting his chin up. Her touch... _Its_ touch, was just like he used to imagine it back then - soft and light as a feather. His eyes met hers - pure innocence in them. Until the thing opened its mouth.

"Do you remember what Gwen told you?" 'Neria's' voice suddenly changed to the deeper one of the Inquisitor. "This is not the right time for this, Cullen!"

"And yet you did it _anyway_ , selfish Commander. Stopped taking lyrium. _And here. We. Are._ "

'Neria' cuddled up to him, top of her head right under his chin. Her hair smelled like wildflowers. Just like he remembered. No. _Imagined_. She was nothing but a crush that had never gone anywhere. Because.. Because... _Maker, forgive me, I was powerless to stop them._

"Please..." she whispered, trembling slightly. "Help me."

He dug fingers in her soft hair, smelling her sweet scent. How many times he dreamed of doing that. Back when watching her training. Reading. Just walking by.

"It's in... In my," Cullen stopped abruptly and stepped away. He felt unclean. He had touched that thing. Let it get close and almost trick him. "I will _not_ allow you to do this to me! After everything I went through, you will _not_ get lyrium!"

"Watch me." the demon smiled.

"Cullen? Cullen!"

Someone shook his shoulder, making Envy blink and rub his eyes. He had to be careful and not indulge in conversations with Cullen where people might find him. Standing and staring at the wall without moving a muscle would look distressing, if not suspicious to some.

"What's wrong?" it was the Inquisitor. Of course, who else would be permitted to enter without knocking? She touched his forehead, throwing some of the disheveled curls off his face. "You are burning up."

"It's nothing I haven't had before. You need not bother, Gwen." his lips curled up slightly in a smile but judging by the concerned look Trevelyan gave him, she was not convinced.

"Cullen, you look horrible, you do realise that?"she crossed hands on her chest, examining him from top to toe.

"A kiss might help." he said, grinning boyishly.

Gwendolynn's eyebrows flew up and she gave him a suspicious stare.

"Since when are so forthcoming in your wishes? Did the proverbial stick finally fall out of your Fereldan ass?"

Envy crossed his arms and frowned as well. It did not escape his attention how, despite his fever and sweating, the Inquisitor was eating him up with her stares. Recently Cullen had been arguing with her more often then not but it seemed she still loved him. And by the intense feelings boiling inside, Envy concluded that the Commander imissed/i her dearly.

"Listen... I know we have problems," once again her eyebrows flew up. He coughed. "Right. _I_ have problems. But I want _us_ to work. So.. Credit for trying?"

"Right." she looked at him, both fascinated and judgemental. Cullen's memory of their brief encounter at the courtyard behind the Chantry flashed in Envy's mind. He'd be a fool not to make use of this convenient booster and so the demon plucked the sticky shirt off his chest with two fingers, grinning.

"Brings back some memories, does it not?"

Oh it did. Humans are strange creatures, truly. She leaped at him, like a cat, practically ripping his shirt off. Envy stumbled backwards and landed on the desk, sturdiness of which had been proven once before. Gwen traced his scar with her lips and finally, let her tongue slide inside his mouth. Giving anyone control was not in the Envy's nature and so in one swift movement he ended up on top. Their lips locked together yet again. Her fingers dug in his shoulders and slid down his back, leaving faint red scratches. But the body responded accordingly. Gwen's leather jerkin was full of buckles and at some point he gave up, sliding a hand underneath it. _Just like then._ Only now it felt differently, being a human. At Therinfal Redoubt he had watched her quiver in excitement and it had amused him greatly. Now the Commander inside was scratching at the walls and the Envy was leeching on his emotions just enough to perform this, surprisingly pleasant, task.

A knock at the door made them both jump up and he rolled off her, quickly grabbing the shirt and putting it on. The body was still reeling from the play and so he sat down behind the desk, trying to look as presentable as possible. Gwendolynn had disappeared upstairs.

"Come in."


	3. Chapter 3

**3.**

"Where is it?"

"Maker take you!" hissed Cullen, avoiding 'Neria's' gaze. The Circle tower seemed to be endless. Cullen walked and walked and he had never arrived anywhere, the scenery just kept repeating itself. He did not feel tired or hungry. Every time he wanted to sit down, purely out of habit, _it_ would slither into his vision, demanding to confess where he had hidden the accursed lyrium. If Cullen stared into the ground, the thing would creep into his his head. It felt as if he was slowly getting crazy.

"Tell me, Commander, where is it?"

Cullen silenced, biting his lip so hard, he fully expected it to bleed. It did not.

Its hand softly stroked his cheek, making Cullen wince and jerk away. It laughed, silver bells ringing in the still air.

"Commander, tell me, did I do well? The Inquisitor seemed to be pleased but I want to hear it from _you_. After all... It is your body I am using."

When Cullen answered nothing, Envy grabbed his chin with a steel grasp and yanked his head sideways, so Cullen was forced to look at him. It smiled, a repulsive grin on a pretty face.

"If you are a nice little templar and tell me where your lyrium is, I might let you out to play with her next time. You were _very_ eager."

Cullen stayed silent, his eyes darkening and lips quivering in fury.

"How tiresome," 'Neria' sighed dramatically. "How about we make this interesting?"

Air left Cullen's lungs as his nightmare became real at a snap of the demon's fingers.

 _Magical prison._

* * *

Commander was very unwilling to give up his secrets. Envy went through all of his belongings earlier, turned the office upside down and yet was unable to find the much desired stash. He had to leave Cullen to stew in his nightmare - come - true because the body started to feel sick again. Envy woke up just in time to grab the chamberpot and heave up his dinner. Regrettable, for it had been quite good. The novelty of being a human started to wear off and while his mind was free of the addiction, the body was not. If Cullen refused him lyrium, Envy had a back up plan which involved the Inquisitor and needed a very careful execution. He was not ready to put it in motion just yet and hoped that the Commander would break sooner rather then later. With a heavy sigh, he fell back on the pillows, just to discover they were drenched in cold sweat.

* * *

 _...To kiss her..._

"No... The rules... I wouldn't..." he muttered clutching his head, dead bodies of his friends around him. Her image in his head. iHer image is his head!/i Walking past him with a pile of books as one falls on the floor. How she clumsily tries to pick it up and balance the rest untill he finally helps her out.

 _... To hold her..._

Neria training. He watches her cast the spells gracefully, ready to cancel the magic if anything goes wrong. But it does not, for she is a natural. Knight - Commander says that the elves are naturals when it comes to magic. _So beautiful_. Next to her is Amell, casting the same spell but she lacks that refined and almost unearthly grace.

 _... To hear her scream..._

His eyes flew open in horror, remembering. Neria is cornered. Monsters are everywhere. She fights but there are too many. He cannot see but he hears her.

"Please, no!"

Her shrill voice reaches him but the lock is broken. He rams the door several times but it does not budge. It is made to withstand. The Tower is cracking with uncontrolled magic, it is everywhere, it overwhelms, it hurts. The pleading turns to shrieks and then the silence falls, heavy and dreadful.

Cullen could not breathe, lungs burning from screams unreleased. His cheeks were wet from tears but he could do nothing to let this stop.

 _She died_.

 _... Like a caged animal_ _. Ripped apart. And where were you?..._

 _Outside, trying..._

 _... Failing!..._

He collapsed on his knees, shaking and sobbing. Small fragile body on the floor, bloody and broken. Lifeless eyes, colour of indigo, staring right at him.

"You failed me Cullen, when I needed you most." Neria sits down slowly, one of her arms bent in an unnatural angle. The right side of her face burned badly, seeping fluid from the blisters.

With a yelp he fell backwards, trying to crawl away. But she is getting closer, the smell of burned flesh heavy in the air.

" _Cassandra has it! The lyrium, I gave it to her!_ " Cullen screamed, covering his face to not look at the approaching horror.

* * *

Envy slammed his fist in the wall. So his host was less of an idiot than he thought him to be. Terrified to fall prey to the moment of weakness, Cullen had given his remaining potion supply to the only person he could trust not to be biased - Seeker Pentaghast. If she were to believe he was doing bad enough - lyrium will be his. But it will take precious time. Time Envy hated to waste. But he was nothing, if not creative. He rummaged through the desk drawer and a wicked smile crept on his face as a small letter opener glimmered in his hand.

There was knocking and Cassandra sat up, listening. There it was again, a faint pounding at the door. It was still dark but it could have been an emergency and so she jumped up, lit a candle and quickly made it to the door, opening it ajar.

"C... Cassandra? Blood mages, in the Harrowing chambers... Please... Help..."

A figure in the doorway swayed and leaned against the wall to keep their balance. Mess of golden curls shimmered in the shy light of the candle.

"Maker's breath, Cullen! What is this?!"

He straightened up, eyes wide in fear, staring at her face but not seeing it and lips trembling slightly. His white shirt was soaked in sweat and when Cassandra grabbed him by the shoulder, a smear of blood coloured her fingers red. He was breathing heavily and was not responding to her calls, finally collapsing to the ground, eyes rolling backwards. Cassandra tore his shirt open to let him breathe easier, just to see he was covered in cuts, blood slowly seeping out from them. Her question to their origin was answered when the Seeker noticed bloodied letter opened Cullen was still clutching in his hand.

He came to when the healer Cassandra had called had left, leaving some elfroot potion for the Commander and pursing her lips together in disapproval after the Seeker had to confess about her friend's lyrium withdrawal.

"What...?"

"Cullen, do you even know what happened?" Cassandra demanded to had never been the one to beat around the bush. He sat up slowly, cringing with every movement and finally looked into her eyes.

"I dreamed of the Circle... I... I am... I don't.." he dug his hands in his hair, pulling at it with a quiet sob. "I can't do this anymore. It is killing me... _Maker, the nightmares!_ "

Cassandra looked at him quietly and finally stood up, pulling a book aside and taking a small wooden box from the space behind it. Without a word she gave it to Cullen and as he opened it, three small phials of lyrium rattled against each other.

"You've tried and it is more then just admirable. But the Inquisition... we all need you. This has become too dangerous for you to continue."

Cassandra was not looking at Cullen as she spoke and thus she did not see how the hunger flashed in the Commander's eyes, as a wide grin cracked his lips.


End file.
